Jill! Gritty! 2020!
Determination. Emotional intelligence. Googly eyes.
I, Jill L Raney, will on July 5, 2019 turn the Constitutionally hallowed age of thirty-five. I hereby launch my campaign for President of these United States!
This is a joke. It is true that I’m turning 35 in the year where approximately 12% of all US citizens are declaring intentions to run for president, and it is true that this is how I’m choosing to celebrate my birthday! I am not actually filing any paperwork to actually appear on any ballot. (Though if you want to write me in, that’s between you and your electoral college.) Please enjoy this hilariously detailed presidential platform that no one asked for but that brings me joy!
Green New Deal. Net neutrality. Abolish legal gender markers.
Abolish ICE, police, and prisons. Open borders. Citizenship by residency. Transform police and military forces into a massive trained force of deescalators highly skilled in both emotional labor and dismantling weapons. Make every possible effort to reunite loved ones separated from each other by ICE.
Reparations for slavery. Decolonization that starts with fully honoring all treaties with indigenous people and that indigenous people determine the details of and lead from there.
Free healthcare, free college, free graduate school. 0% (zero point zero zero percent) tax rate on all income up to $50k and 95% tax rate on all income over $500k. Forgive all education and medical debt and any debt related to oneself or a family member having been ensnared in the carceral system. Free child care, free in-home health assistance, and high salaries for the expert workers who provide this care. Public funding for high-quality accessibility services, such as ASL interpretation and service dogs. Quadruple all current social safety net benefits and all income floors for eligibility, and remove all work requirements. Remove all savings caps for people receiving disability benefits. 1,000% tax on employers for any social safety net expenditures associated with their employees due to their refusal to fucking pay people for their work.
Public pre-K through 12 education transforms to encourage students' creativity and questioning of authority and include rich anti-oppression and emotional skills-building content.
Constitutionally-protected universal voting rights for all residents from age 16. Automatic voter registration. Abolish the Electoral College. Experienced poll workers (like me!) get to design cross-jurisdiction voting system improvements. Public funding for elections and strict limits on privately funded candidate, coordinated, and independent expenditure campaigns. Statehood for the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and any other US non-state that wants it.
Physical, sexual, economic, and other violence is addressed by a transformative justice system that defines success as the cessation of harm, healing the harm caused, and resolving its precipitating factors. Affirmative, freely-given consent becomes the baseline standard for all intimate interaction (emotional as well as sexual/physical). Marital, parental, and other familial relationships are a matter of mutual consent with only enough government involvement to protect vulnerable people such as children from abandonment and other abuse. All forms of abuse of power become both legally and culturally unacceptable. (Here's your blanket ban on discrimination! And also your ban on all those subtle ways privileged people get away with bullshit without thinking about it!)
Profound transformation of legal, economic, and cultural concepts of land ownership such that we honor land as a shared resource that we must care for and use equitably for housing, farming, commerce, recreation, and spirituality. Playgrounds, dog-and-people parks, and public restrooms every mile or so in urban areas and every so often (defined by people who live there) in suburban and rural areas.
Constitutional right to privacy. Every human being has copyright of their own data.
Foreign policy determined by people with expertise I don't have (for example the expertise of living in the places affected) and guided by the values of consent, justice, and human flourishing. End to all US support of Israel’s occupation of the Palestinians, such as military aid and police exchanges; Palestinian Americans lead US foreign policy on Israel/Palestine alongside American Jews who agree to prioritize consent, justice, and human flourishing for all people.
Tipped workers determine the policies that ensure they're paid fairly. Bosses can never again punish or fire a service worker for not calling a customer unnecessary gendered things like sir or ma'am (or for any bullshit ~not being sufficiently servile~ reasons).
Paid family leave, paid sick leave, and paid religious holidays for all workers. Employers anticipate workers will be out on holidays like Eid, Tet, and Yom Kippur and make Christmas-level efforts to avoid scheduling important events on those dates.
Twitter has to ban the Nazis — including any politicians who qualify. The Congressional Research Service will issue to the public an annual report on hate speech by federal elected officials.
Ben & Jerry's has to name a flavor after me (Raney Haze, tastes like Purple Haze the beer, proceeds go to long-term recovery for the New Orleans area) and also produce Hulk-a Hulk-a Burning Fudge as seen in Avengers: Endgame.
Disney must make it canon that Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes are in a romantic relationship in the upcoming Falcon & Winter Soldier TV show, that Finn is in romantic relationships with both Rey and Poe in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, or both!
JK Rowling has to stop announcing new facts about the Potterverse and also apologize for all the racism.
Cultural transformation such that we, as individuals and groups, prioritize projects based on their ability to meet human needs and/or their sheer delightfulness, and not for their ability to produce wealth, because wealth is unnecessary and cruel and also banned.
Some of these are jokes. With some of these I'm kind of kidding and kind of super serious. Most of these are 100% super serious Policy and I would like for actual presidential candidates to steal and run with them. You decide which is which!
Support My Campaign
This is a fake campaign but a real set of values! You can support me and this vision for the world in any of the following ways:
Show off that you believe Perfect is Bullshit with a Practice Makes Progress t-shirt!
Fight the literal concentration camps on the US-Mexico border by supporting RAICES, ideally with a monthly gift if you’re able.
About My Logo
Why yes, my logo draws on the visual design of both Hillary 2016 and Antifa. I’m into both smartest-kid-in-the-class competency and punching Nazis, I contain multitudes! (Yes, also a little Jeb! because this joke campaign finds inspiration in the joke campaigns of the past.)
Wait, is this an elaborate ad for your business?
You think this is elaborate? Thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say!
I’m really proud of Practice Makes Progress and the work that I do, and I’m working on unlearning internalized antisemitism and other shame about promoting my business — this is part of that! Also it’s my birthday and I’ll do what I want as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody.